If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can get going without pep pills;
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
If you can forgive a friend's lack of consideration;
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
   through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him;
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without medical help;
If you can relax without liquor;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
   against creed or color, religion or politics; then, my friend, you are
   almost as good as your dog.

Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process.   When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair.   They begin talking.

After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button.   A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed.    This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.

Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.   "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says.   "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks.   As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.   They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.

George snickers but they continue talking.

A few minutes later he presses the second button.   Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens.   Bush roars with laughter.

They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Bin Laden.   "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"